Groucho Marx: Best Jokes, Puns and Ad Libs #1

Enjoy this collection of witticisms and responses to guests from Groucho Marx on his game show "You Bet Your Life" from the 1950s.

Video Script:: 

well now suppose you became a famous actress and then you met somebody you like and got married would you be willing to quit acting and be a housewife and a mother well I think if you keep your feet on the ground you can combine both that's what I would like to do so I hope you keep your feet on the ground you'll never be a mother [Music] I see there are three kinds of Debbie kinds of singers yes there's professional amateur and crane plumbing enough the crane problem is I tell them to go back home yeah well they usually have the best pipes of oil you know you have a scientific bent huh you know I would think so did you ever meet a fella named what was his name Joe sexauer no I'd be glad to that I just remodeled maternity clothes bad night no matter what maternity clothes maternity clothes anybody can model maternity clothes no I couldn't [Music] Rajon a potatoes really fattening no sir just what you put on in this fattening what do you mean all butter gravy cheese but if you put that on them on a mattress is that you too that's one of the few things I've never had on the batter I want you to lay down on the bed that's what I want you to do felt has over 60,000 commercial uses for ladies apparel as well as industrial uses will name one specifically well automobiles couldn't run without felt aeroplanes couldn't run the girls in California have that new look by this the girls couldn't run without felt well I'm about in Enron well they have passengers though five passengers yeah and how many are in the crew sixty-seven [Music] why did you go through the canal do you mean you went out on a date you took the old idealize need and what happened well five children [Music] when he went out in these days why did the chaperon do a lap with a good book no maybes the same thing as we need you attend cage I'll drop by and we've planned some things together it'll be real cozy yeah all right now you're gonna play you bet your life rich baby at the 2500 you know I won't be home late in the afternoon I forgot to be watering you know they have to take care they should be sulphur to as well roses out to a girl's house and vitalizing well as the oxygen the business pretty profitable well sometimes it's almost too good either on 24-hour call he's on 24-hour corn you've got ten kids [Music] than the tarantula gonna be had a job around the house [Music] why is it when you're getting you know when you're sitting in a chair the Bob will ask you a question and just as you go to answer he slaps a hot tail on your towel on your kisser huh [Applause] what about this live modeling uh we could arrange for life market president - that'd be good I could we could find some play for you in a sharpened stick and after you give me a stick in that live model I'll do my own who was the barbarian conquer known as the scourge of God scholars of God SCO SCO you are GE scourge Scout could [Music] scrounge of God so difference they don't know what any [Music] they don't know it and I can pronounce it yeah it's a real classy quiz show well robinson crusoe was shipwrecked on a desert island and i can't tell me that and when he got there he met a man and became bosom friends with him and then man was a bosom friend that's quite a trick I wonder stayed on that Islands over as a commercial going on now which gives you an opportunity to go to the bathroom [Music] okay what do you say Thank You central San Francisco thanks guys named by the San Jacinto Monument it says hasn't oh here the San Jacinto Monument is the tallest in the united snakes the state's how'd you get the baby turned on the faucet now I came a little drip I guess I don't that's the nicest description of motherhood that I've had in here [Music] well what happened how did you get to be a pan in pan Hanley can also be a chambermaid but in this case boy do they love anything I've seen only bad dog when you talk about that's nice well some cycles that's not considered such a night and I'm ready to start my 12 year round you bet your life did you know that George I swallowed years yeah one more year and I'll get my meds with that sort of comforts of home that you were had there well I had a sleeping bag and football and a shopping bag full of nuts but was the football for well I never had a tree mate I mean I never had a girlfriend or a friend so I had a play with something so I played with the football I try to people making a forward pass but this is what 11 you have five kids and no pigs and we got three more three pigs anymore okay yeah a kid and where is your husband is he in the audience know that died three years ago how do you know he died maybe just hiding well you mean nobody that has a family goes to the movies well her kids who I don't know sometimes I take her kids to but she doesn't like the drive-in no because she has a husband and they just stay home you mean what you're saying is that what you're saying is that if you're married you don't have to go to a drive-in theaters that say meaning a lot about the younger generation hitting it and our block seems to be dead end straight there isn't much traffic and it leaves room for the children to run around and scream all they want well if there's a lot of kids in it can't be many that ends our own [Music] before we go any further do you have a nickname what do your friends call you well sometimes they call me Sam or joy it's logical oh joy sorry most kind of Marilyn why did they call you Sam if your name is Eileen I used to be built like a boy Morris [Music] that must have been some time ago how old are you 20 I would say that must have been 18 years ago then I got married after nine months ready just got under the wire kid of all the frustrations you had is the child and the wrong kind of a bottle that they gave you having a salad may interest you to know that I never had a bottle you see we don't have cans in Pakistan no we don't we believe in having everything fresh you see this audience that let me explain something this audience is even filthier than I