Drew Carey Kills It In His First Appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson

Drew Carey Kills It In His First Appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson - 11/08/1991

Video Script:: 

you are on the right frame of mind for my next guest because this is very first appearance on The Tonight Show is a young comedian he's from Cleveland Ohio and he's gonna be appearing this weekend at the funny bone in Schaumburg Illinois and next Tuesday through sunny at the funny bone in Naperville Illinois would you welcome drew Carey Joe yeah I know what I look like Thanks I stare at him it's okay people laugh at me all the time so I look like that guy from the Hat in the back of the comic books for x-ray Spex so I'm glad to be here man I'm in a great mood I had some terrible news in the mail lately I got my high school reunion coming up I don't have ever been to one of those don't go it's uh too much pressure man that's a lot of stress high school reunion you get that letter in the mail and right away I feel like you only have six months to make something of yourself come on seven daddy needs to lose weight and get a new career come on I'm the only one that still looks like its graduation pictures I'm pretty happy I know it's finding everything I just don't think looking like this is worth that one joke but anyway [Laughter] yeah I'm gonna it's gonna be in the springtime in Cleveland that's the worst time to be in Cleveland because you know why people hate the winter so much in Cleveland in the springtime now we say the same stupid thing over and over every time it rains there's just like just kardi out that was go hey this is not snow today huh all through the Midwest many people are so excited there's no snow they just egg not snowing today huh pal pokey book book book and then they poke at you like to let me in some kind of big thing you know we'll be 40 degrees and rainin you'll be sitting at a coffee counter trying to mind your own business a big eye on each side a just poking away man Lisa's nuts no NFL buh buh buh buh buh he's right to be smellin put people always say that to you like it's the worst thing that can happen to a guy like hey drew how come you're limping well yeah I was laying around the house naked playing with fireworks I accidentally blew off animating in my lap Wow Lisa's nuts no no huh yeah my side about the Union I'm gonna go off you know I bought a brand new car about a Yugo actually I bought it just for this joke hope you like it grab my Yugo right and stop at a stoplight another you go pull up along right beside me I couldn't believe see you go same stoplight same neighborhood what are the odds then the guy roll down his window and he said pardon me would you have any mayonnaise but of course a little package from Arby's you go pal [Applause] Jadhav do that next time you see a little Hyundai or you go on the street it's pretty damn funny man just honk Adam would you have any mayonnaise hey shut up I don't even have a radio man I Drive around cleaving a lot you know what they are a couple my neighborhood when I go back there's like three new drive-through liquor stores in my neighborhood I can't believe it I don't you have drives you liquor store you live I can't believe these things are legal I've never seen one it's what it is drive-through liquor store it's a big liquor store with the window on the side where you can just drive up and buy Jack Daniels and beer and everything while you're driving great idea huh just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go no time to stop at a real bar I got things to do today pal places to go people to hit I'm a busy minute and it's not enough hours in the day to hit already I wanna hit Christmas time up on the sidewalk it was nuts gonna purr yeah and I go back I'm gonna you know I'm nicely skinny and high school I gained a lot of weight since then I'm kind of chunky now I've got a little bit of gut so I'm wearing this big old suit I put on a pair of bikini underwear you know look like a Bartlett pear of the rubberband restaurant [Applause] we know it's the food you know that's what it is I'd really enjoy just bad food solvers penny says my favorite thing on the menu it's a hot dog with cheese and bacon and not enough nitrates in a hotdog I put some bacon on top of there and for an extra dollar they'll put chili on top of the whole thing for people who don't care anymore I'll tell ya that's a power meal chili dog with cheese and bacon that's powerful good I don't care what you say power meal that's got a food just marches right down your throat you know follow me boys we're going to the heart what is that let's get the hell out of my way you know chilly come with me we're going to the : [Applause] quick before it gets home gone [Music] quick before it gets home not even kidding around about that part you need to chew it off from Denny's man it's like a race with the devil to get back to your house [Applause] you don't make it I don't worry about see that's the thing I'd like to have a good time no matter what nothing really gets me down not even bad weather anything you know a lot of people get bummed out when the rains not me I love it when it rains more rains more I like it bring on the rain when it rains really hard see I like to run stop signs just to make cops get out of their car come I get the money get out why make the money if you can't enjoy spending just stand there and make him stand there in a big puddle in the rain all right you know I stopped yeah yeah you know I ran a sign hey no you can't do any better than that for your fresh shot no way thank you no uh Johnny heaven there's a friend of my from cleaving you got called over to ya you owe me five bucks me too oh this is great man thinks for even to have me hi start search that's I got my hair yeah I remember me from no yeah and I was in the yeah Marine Corps - yeah thanks Rio did you win on Star Search well one show in the know Joe I can't understand that I mean either well you got to come back and be with us again will you I would love to I'm sorry yeah yeah thank you [Applause] you