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QUARANTINED: Isolated Thoughts on Coronavirus | JEFF DUNHAM

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Added by Mel in Comedy


Because of the COVID-19 quarantine, the guys are getting stir crazy and had a few thoughts about the current state of things. But, a word to the wise… I would not consider them experts on COVID-19, nor would I follow any of their advice without consulting actual experts. Watch at your own risk!






Video Script:: 

hello everyone I'm Walter pandemic used to be something we all knew could never happen but now it's real life and everyone's biggest concern seems to be how they're gonna wipe their butts dumb asses get a hose can't we just take 20/20 unplug it and reboot we are here to give you our thoughts on this terrible situation which we are all going through together yep cuz I'm good at thinking about stuff and we're all in this together and I'm here to help out with some tips and ideas on how to stay safe and be healthy cuz you know we're gonna be fine I'm gonna be fine um I'll be fine I'll be fine you're gonna be fine whatever where do we start I would like to go back to Mexico now this makes that time I caught hoof-and-mouth disease seem like an office party they keep telling us to use common sense I don't know what that means but apparently it doesn't work because here we are okay they say don't panic I mean it's gonna be fine just don't panic don't don't mean it don't panic if it's fine it's fine it's fine it's fine you can prevent coronavirus by drinking only American beer cuz there's no such thing as Budweiser disease or Coors contagion yeah or Michelob microbe or Bush virus well that's different I call it that too for as a lot of you know my side job is being a greeter at Walmart thanks to this pandemic I am now altered my usual salutation welcome to Walmart get yourself but if you get near me I'll stab you in the neck okay you can prevent caring about the corona virus by drinking a lot of American beer true that's true yeah and that's where I am right now these virus can be killed by household bleach alcohol and plastic explosives true story seriously does the border gate swing the other direction wearing a mask will not keep you from getting the virus hey this reminds me at that time I got some bad huge all I know is you're not supposed to touch anything like like a package or in the mail if something comes in the mail you don't touch it take me back and I promise to get you a box of Kleenex in a couple of churros you can make your hand sanitizer and a vodka and then lick your hand safely you leave it on the front porch and these brave with Lysol in the anindya Purell and then dump a bucket of Pierrot on the package keep washing your hands until they feel like they're going to fall off yeah like that but don't touch the package because you don't know what the mailing has it's fine it's fine it's fine if you ask me the folks hoarding all the hand sanitizers are the real ass wipes it's better to be a hoarder than a whore I haven't seen hoarding like this since the Dead Drakkar cologne came out here's the big thing don't touch your face don't touch your face to let your face wash your hands don't touch your face you should wash your hands for 20 seconds which ironically is the same amount of times and it takes me to this is awkward no officer I am transporting all of this alcohol and nitroglycerin to make hand sanitizer yeah please wash your hands before you touch my speak they say the most effective skin sanitizers are 70% alcohol so if you drink 90 proof whiskey just lick anything to clean it I'm a damn genius gasoline is not a hand sanitizer or a cardinal or is seasoning guilty on three counts your honor I heard the disease comes from China so eat off paper plates stop calling her on the virus and minefield in minefield is a minefield since this thing is called a pandemic it must have started with a panda what are pandas from no my wife just told me she's negative yes she is about everything I hope the coronavirus test is true false and not fill in the blank cuz that SAT was a big don't you don't touch your face do not touch your face or yourself in public especially in school zone just don't touch your face don't don't don't your face it is my face don't touch your eyes nose or mouth cop had me do that once fail if you see something don't say something just call on the asshole I have to touch my face I swear I have to touch my face that's miss touching my face self isolate stay home from work that would kills me okay to his my arm if non-essential government employees will have to stay home does that mean no more Bernie Sanders they say cover your mouth when you sneeze so I guess I should cover my nose when I cough woo I sucked at biology to the people at the most risk of infection are the elderly this is one of the few times that I want to stay in the box anymore if you're out in public you need to avoid getting near any of the idiots who are out in public minimize your risk of exposure I'm pretty sure that means zip it up how am I going to minimize my risk of exposure every part of me is exposed I guess I'll wear my turban on my face to end this pandemic we must abide by appropriate social distancing which means staying away from everyone by at least six feet that's right everyone hey come here no yeah come here what well we're not exactly sixteen apart no mm-hmm I'm too short pretty much okay [Music]


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