New Parent Paranoia. Robert G. Lee

New parent paranoia is a real thing, maybe its peanut allergies, or a lock on the toilet, Robert G. Lee has some thoughts about it.

Video Script:: 

another question people ask all the time is what do you do in your spare time as a married man the answer is very simple whatever my wife wants to do so one applause I was like one wife but okay so my wife and I were babysitting for some friends we were forced into it so we were babysitting and I I just after a half-hour in this home we were exhausted and it was not the kids it was the rules the parents left for us how many of you have experienced new parent paranoia out there all right okay so first off where did all these peanut allergies come from as ice like we could not get into the home without going through a scanner and getting a pat-down today if you get a box of Cracker Jacks it is empty except for inside there's an EpiPen that's all this inside I tell everybody in the future terrorists will not need guns they won't there's gonna throw in a jar Jim that's all they're gonna need it's like Allah Akbar cootchie style that's you everything we had to feed these kids had to be healthy and organic we had to feed free-range chicken to their cage children when I was growing up and we got hungry our parents said they had to have a Twinkie in the coke and I'm still here help police choke on that they childproof the entire house I understand hiding the knives they have locks on the toilets I'm sorry if you've drowned on a toilet that's nature's way of saying you're not gonna make it so I'm trying to MacGyver a toilet next to a wiggly three-year-old going gotta go potty gotta go potty gotta go potty gotta go find it's like aim for the window kid cuz this ain't happening here I'm tired they had an entire wing of their house devoted to toys they they had a color-coded dresser for their six million Legos growing up I had two Lincoln Logs you understand that too it's like it's a cross train track prison bars that's what I had that was my childhood we had to give them a bath saying how much of a sweat could they possibly worked up playing with Legos and eat an organic food all day long and I remember this when I grew up we had a bath once a week Saturday night never got in the tub never our parents were downstairs watching bonanza they never checked on us so we could just you know you just splash one hand to the water by the end of the summer we have swarthy tans and one white glove that's what I look like that was it so we we committed the cardinal sin of letting these kids play outside and they ratted us out well father the little toes touch brass and we did not burst into flame half-hour live to us I gotta tell you I'm worried about the next generation I really am I think if we keep coddling children this we're gonna see in this overprotective society just a few years welcome back to millennial baseball where the California crybabies are going up against the Colorado snowflakes tension is high in the bottom of the six is our batter going out to the mound now after the plate rather has self-esteem issues and if the umpire calls a strike he'll be guilty of a hate crime but if the pitcher throws the ball he'll take a self-soothing timeout here's the pitch Oh the batter connects it's a short hopper over to right field but currently the entire outfield is gathered in a resistance protest over in the far left so the first baseman runs back scoops up the ball takes a photo to selfie and posted on Instagram he throws a heater over the second base but the second baseman trips over the leash of their emotional support animal so the runner rounds their way to third the third base life coach waves them into home which is where he'll be staying five minutes after he graduates the second baseman gets the ball wipes off the slobber throws at home the runner slides on the Empire calls him out but to keep it fair both teams score one run each here on millennial baseball hey did you know the dry bark comedy has their own app download it right now and watch my whole special