Best Impression of a Dubbed Kung Fu Movie. Arvin Mitchell - Full Special

The best impression of a dubbed kung fu movie is done by Arvin Mitchell in his full special.

Video Script:

come here I'm trying to wear clothes that fit me now you know I'm tired of holding my stomach in I'm sorry lose a little weight you don't start feeling proud when you lose your weight start strutting friend America I'm serious I'll be doing my poses and everything I'm gonna have a flat stomach by Christmas I am I want to rip my shirt off like they used to do in the old kung fu movies where they do that they get real serious you'll watch one of old kung fu flicks sometimes they get romantic with the lady Minh hey Shirl come here [Applause] are you talking to me i watch those movies every week a man I used to think I can fight as I watch the movies twice I wanna watch come to theatres Chinese connection into the Dragon I was Bruce Lee in school every Monday morning I go to school starting fights Hey [Laughter] southern now is your name problem [Applause] well then you so you want to fight you killed my teacher and now I'm going to kill you [Applause] sometimes I walk around all day doing stuff like that I was standing at the gate hey what time is the fight sir you need to step to the side they call the police on me my whole family crazy one of my sisters thought a boyfriend was cheating on her not too long ago she put crazy glue in his contact lens case you care so much you seem shocked no the craziest thing about that they are still together this is not a joke he moved from Saint Louis to Kansas City because he got a better paying job now he's instagramming her pictures with his I messed up he posing in the pictures like he's feel normal I can't make this up he'll Instagram just [Laughter] he doesn't like me my sister told me not to make jokes about him I was like you gotta be kidding me every time he comes to the house I'll stand right next to him I ain't man you want to go hang out come on let's go to the club I'll keep my eye on you thank you all for coming keke steps around the plaza like you already see laughing real hearty I love you honey you got somebody under your shirt tickling you or some Jesus cheer thank you I hope I'm funny now she's at the bar she laughing in advance am i funny-looking you just start laughing she got leftover giggles from this morning by the way this way I like being around different ethnicities man culture is so important I just say that to be funny I'm serious like when I go I travel the world and I see these different cultures and and taste these different foods Indian people on my favorite the food is hot as ever and it hurts coming out but it's delicious going in it is you make any fool oh my god you need to call in sick for work I'm sorry I won't be able to make it sound like somebody was starting the line boy in the toilet I'm sorry it's reckless I have Indian friends I can say this stuff is cool the thing I love about about different cultures is you can say something in a different in different culture then it made me something different to Americans like my Indian friend Bulow I'm leaving the gym I'm sweating you know I'm trying to get in shape trying to lose my stomach I want a six-pack for Christmas and he was coming in as I was leaving out he's I see you've been working out oh yeah man I'm trying to get it together he's and he's that I just lost 13 kilos myself I said are you smiling about it you lose 13 kilos where I'm from you better start packing your bags okay I see something you didn't find the humor in there I'm talking about drugs ladies and gentlemen don't do drugs don't [Applause] [Music] I appreciate 70% of the audience understanding and laughing currency out looking at me like this isn't okay this is my plumber do drugs have caffeine and I'm not [Applause] I just got all this information today my mind is blown I feel like I'm on a whole nother planet I'm like no Starbucks for you what how about the grande no forgive me I'm stupid I laugh I laugh so hard you for it a little bit and it squeezed out you do that little dance to get the sin away from you please don't smell bad I'm awful I thought ages so I thought eating things that try to you know so I can feel better but it don't come out too good I love vegetables but I'm I can't drink milk and I'm lactose intolerant and God bless I mean nevermind I was laying in the bed the other night and I thought it and it smells so bad for Brees commercial came on I didn't even want to get up I just clutched the blanket like it was a monster in the Roma namaste you don't have to hold that in you know you can laugh I'll ow you're turning colors that's your third color is easy i'ma stay this way you turn cover I feel safe here I do can I say that I feel like I've walked down the street here without even being pulled over all right serious this is a nice down yeah the police are killing black man like it's only to do list nowadays oh yeah you gotta check this one off laughter look too hard at that brother I'm just serious I learned inside of the crowd they laugh all the way they should shut it you better laugh tomorrow is not promised Kim boom boom boom he got his finger on the button here Eddie I don't know his name but he ready him a drum bait they battling it out just getting the ring fight each other don't let look I just got my credit right I wanna live okay with a little I want grandbabies and everything I want to live I wanna see some more comedy shows my son I didn't love in comedy since I was a kid I used to try to sneak in the comedy clubs when I was too young to get in I had to use my best friend ID my best friend is the ugliest person I know he's so ugly when I used his ID I had to make faces to pretend I was him I'm standing at the front of the club holding up his ID [Applause] that's a totally phrase right I did that on a flight the other day I was going to Miami and his lady was burping her child so the child was facing me I went that kid [Applause] the mother turned around and looked at me I was like oh what's wrong with your child I have no idea can you please turn them around Thank You Man for the gradual laughs I like the way it build up I love you it's a jolly laugh I laugh every day I laugh at the wrong stuff sometimes I do I saw a man get hit by a car he was still on the phone yes I laughed I laughed right away I thought the car would swerve I thought he would hang up the phone neither one of them happen here in the middle of the intersection of course you ain't gonna believe this I hurt so bad so bad yeah managed to just hit me oh oh [Applause] hey man can you hang up now what was it hurt so bad never mind I got three minutes I'm gonna take a picture this with this on Instagram wait hurt so bad I think I hurt myself for real I have no insurance I don't is unnecessary the world's about the end why do I need the shoes over the Hurricanes left and right yeah hurricane Irma wait maila hurricane her mother that's an old lady named a category five with a name like armor she can't come through real smooth Oh let me go back this way let me go back where do I live hurricane got amnesia what was I go on again oh my back hurt you don't think I'm making fun of people I love old people my grandfather is 107 years old okay oh come on don't clap I appreciate it don't clap it's time for him to go 107 you lived your life and somebody else's - this is all for no real hundred and seven I need that house okay I love my grandfather man but this idiot it's time for him to go I used to be afraid of my grandfather has been a vegetarian his whole life never had a stroke but I never reason why I say you never had a stroke because when he laughs he doesn't smile I thought he had a stroke of his smile muscles are broke but he see you laughing you go yo laughs you know your teeth codes he didn't do well my brother left my graph I'll use your laugh you and it descends my grandfather laughs it's just that's creepy my mother used to ask me you want to spend time with your granddaddy no man why not because he laughed like he got a haunted house in his throat that's why I love him he has a sense of humor he told me one time he said I'm so old when I fought does come out of my butt it's dude is hilarious he doesn't have a filter anybody have grandparents like that don't have a filter yeah they tell you like it is don't think you need that in your life keep it real my grandfather does not care he asked me one day he said boy when you gonna get successful how much that hurt somebody who's trying where you gonna get successful as a granddad your muffins I don't care nothin about hurting your feelings you need to get successful like that that that that that that Steve Harvey got his own talk show got his own radio show to that he's hosting a family feud they won't let him host the prizes right I said why you say their granddaddy cuz they don't want black folks hosting the prizes right why do you say that granddaddy cuz they think we gonna change the name of the show from the prizes right to something like the prize I yeah this dude old man he don't care nothing about nothing else in the world he don't care nothing about nothing but President Barack Obama he loved president brocco bomb he don't mind Trump but he loved president brocco bomber you can't say anything bad about president brocco bomb my grandfather he kicked you out get on the porch go to cover miles Thomas what about me ma huh president is your own personal president granddad like you keep him in a dresser drawer bring him out for inaugurations my grandparents just celebrated an anniversary and we all we had like 20 people in the kitchen they got a big kitchen you know they had this house for years a bunch of people in the kitchen we talking about you know food and recipes and and president barack obama and my grandfather going past the kitchen he turned around he said when I was a kid I had a friend that was so cross-eyed one time he dropped a dime and he picked up two nipples I said granddaddy what does they have to do with President Barack Obama he said I'm talking about change this dude is hilarious I love being around a man he weird at the same time I'm glad he likes me cuz most of my family don't like me so much I'm my own mother I love my mom but she don't like me that much she used to make me stay inside the car until she found out she can go to jail cuz a child can die in a hot car cuz I used to mess what everybody walked past me you know in at the grocery store everything man so she made me stand in front of the grocery store so I wouldn't be stuck in a hot car I had to stand in front of the groceries I still made fun I stand in front across the door I do just like this [Applause] I made $48 doing that one day I can't make this up but I did I took every penny of it I don't know why people give you money if they think something wrong with you I'm glad you all are laughing I've never intended on being a comedian I'll used to want to be a rapper ever since I was a kid you know watch hip-hop coming up you know MTV raps city you know watch Eric be a rock can watch ice-t look how successful he became he they were crushing his CDs and tapes in front of Congress cuz he was making raps about doing stuff to cops and everything now he's the detective on Law & Order the irony is crazy so my mother didn't want me to be a rapper she found my note books my mother threw my notebook away man this I'm not wanted to be you ain't doing this garbage in my house man what that's why I didn't like her that much I always loved it but I didn't like all the time nobody in this room can say you love your parents all the time you can love them all the time you can't like a lot of time it's not realistic you had your mom help you with your homework but when the teacher pass it back out the only one you get right is the one you did by yourself you come home from school the next day she's got that smile on her face what'd you get you like mama you got a F how you do bad on greater-than less-than she don't want me to be a rapper it took me a long time to get over there you know cuz I really wanted to be a rapper then I came to my senses I said I probably wouldn't have been the best rapper with a name like Arvin Mitchell yeah so you laugh right away cuz you know you got to have a foolish name to be a rapper but you can't eat at a five-star restaurant the maitre d come up and call your name you know how they got to do that you to change party of 22 Chainz party of 20 waka flocka flame party at 30 kind of name is that what the flocka flame party after this is the real rapper's name Arvin's Senor Mitchell jr. party of one she felt bad for me oh don't feel bad glad I'm not a rapper I don't know there's a lot of stuff going on in the hip-hop community man I can't get with it some things I used to want to be an actor too but that got messed up for me too I really wanted to be an actor like I watch the Denzel growing up shurl Street you know all of them Halle Berry the thing I love about actors they make you feel like it's real like you really in the moment that's what makes them great actors and I respect them Jamie Foxx Samuel Jackson's one of my favorite ones but I had to stop supporting him I loved Samuel Jackson in Pulp Fiction and for negotiating and Jackie Brown but I had to stop supporting him when I saw him in snakes on a plane I lost all respect for that man snakes on a plane you don't look like you get it but let me explain this you can have a movie with black people in it and snakes and they're on a plane there's three elements you'll never see together in your life you might see black if you want to blame but snakes and they on the plane and a black don't go together in time you can't even call the movie snakes on the plane if all three of those elements are in the movie like that you gotta call it something different instead of snakes on the plane you gotta call it something like on a plane I was thinking wouldn't it be funny if you had to say like that each time you mention the movie you get to the box-office can I get two tickets to see [Music] on the plane and the guy in the box office is just standing there ma'am I am so sorry but on the plane is sold out well let me get two tickets to see screen if you didn't appreciate that or laugh at that you should go on the restroom and drink some hand sanitizer I'm sorry just stick your head right under the pump it's delicious at the dry bar [Laughter] [Applause] the time you got make yourself laugh I make myself laugh everyday I'm a circus all by myself I am when I'm in the airport a lot of times you're one of the things I like to do this makes me laugh it's like umm I don't know what's wrong with me but I like it when I'm in the airport I like to hold a book up to my face I love to read contrary to popular belief and I keep it up to my face and and I bark like a dog and then I look around like I don't know where the noise came from you should try it it's hilarious I'm sitting at the game times I make it sound far away and dog lovers are the worst again this lady sitting across from me do you have a dog I had to keep a straight face I was like yes in my backpack [Laughter] she said Kenny breathe I said don't worry about it [Laughter] I'm thinking myself who keeps the dog in the backpack crazy lady I love animals I like when animals attack those when our favorite shows on television was an episode what it's elk stood up on his hind leg he starts fighting his man like he was another human being it's it was hilarious man yeah I hear about the tiger going around getting fresh with all the ladies yeah Tiger Woods [Applause] he didn't like that he's I saw that coming I got you sneaky man he throws Hannah right away wait a minute any questions I love this environment feel like I'm doing a TED talk is why I made this husky dude cry thank you chocolate man's money I can't wait to tell my mother about this my my performed on stage you're all white people in a outdoor greenhouse is that oregano behind you baby that better not be what I think it is I had to check I love your innocence you what was that does that plant has caffeine in it [Applause] I gotta get ready to go oh thank you I needed this I really did I needed to laugh man I miss my family is the world is so catastrophic right now we have to cherish every moment we live in that we get to share with our loved ones man so you came out with somebody tonight give yourselves a round applause thanks again this is great this means so much to me I get to go back and be with my nieces and nephews I have 37 nieces and nephews I'm one of 13 I have nine sisters and three brothers so yeah this is a I'm not Mormon either right I heard how y'all get down and that wasn't even offensive they tell me I'm the greatest uncle this how much God loves me okay I was the right call at the radio station I want enough tickets to take all my nieces and nephews to see a Snoop Dogg concert now I know Snoop Dogg is known for smoking the funny cigarettes and stuff like that but they're only supposed to give you up to 10 tickets 15 at the most they gave me enough to take all my nieces and nephews the tickets were free but it still cost me about $175 cuz I had to rent the passenger vans to take all these little buggers to the concert but it was worth it it was worth it it was you anybody who ever met somebody so nice it's kind of uncomfortable you have so I met that lady at the radio station I'll go to the radio station to pick up the tickets the lady her eyes got biggest paper plates how you doing I like I'm good I just came to pick up the tickets for the Kazi good you must be the winner of the snow dog tickets I say yes ma'am I just said that come on in I was like this lady creepy but she was way too nice and her eyes just kept getting bigger and bigger she's yeah I need you to fill out this paperwork I said how come she said I need you to prove you are who you say you are I say yes ma'am man I'm writing so fast he said I need to see your ID I say how come because I need you to prove you are who you say you are she looked at my hard day she said somebody has a birthday coming up I said this lady gonna kill me on my birthday I'm writing so fast I put a hole in the paper with the pitch I couldn't wait to finish building it out I finished feeling now she gave me the tickets and just as I got ready to turn around and walk away she goes would you like to get backstage so you can meet Snoop Dogg and I'm like who says no to that not me yes ma'am good come on in she brought me back I had to fill out more paperwork and she told me if you lose these masters can't see Snoop Dogg I say yes Velma I'm serious lose these passes can't see Snoop Dogg oh yes ma'am I took the pass when I got out of there I was sweating and everything I got out of two weeks later I pulled up at the concert three vans and I'm not trying to make a joke about race but all those look like kids I had with me nieces and nephews they had on neon shirts like this guy over here and they look funny they look like little highlighters in those neon something but I wasn't about to lose my nieces and nephews okay man she took us downstairs past some velvet ropes and everything she used us so she can be Snoop Dogg yeah that's what she did she got she mention uber I met a lot of celebs I met Beyonce Puff Daddy I'm not starstruck anymore this lady was [Applause] and she scared him Snoop jumped a little bit I saw him lose his cool hey what's your question little mama they say there's no such thing as a stupid question she asked us to the question she said how long have you been talking like that stupid question he gave us stupid answer he's I've been talking like this all my life I was like no you have it can you imagine like a three five-year-old child talking like Calvin say your ABC's he like abcdefg hijk LMNOP I said QRS to the T you biggest big Snoop Dogg from the LBC I [Applause] [Music] can't wait this is my October is my favorite month it's coming up is like my nieces and nephews they mean the world to me I only have one daughter and she's 22 so she's not a child anymore so I get to yeah I know I know she's like what what is he Benjamin buttons no she's turning around right away I'm a young old man okay I started early I was doing some things I wasn't supposed to be doing so my knees didn't nephew's love I still go trick-or-treating with him I dress up in everything I was Michael Jackson last year I was I didn't even have to put on the costume I just did my nose like this [Applause] [Music] [Applause] if you didn't laugh at that I hope you fall down a small flight of stairs almost passed out for you people who I fly all over the world I love meeting different people I went to the real Oktoberfest okay I had so much fun this German lady walked up to me she said can I kiss you before I guess like no or yes she kissed me and her husband said she's always wanted to do this to a black man I was like okay it was crazy somebody told me it cost me 65 to 75 bucks to catch a taxi from LAX to my apartment okay that's a lot of money every time I land and somebody at the airport heard me say that and they said you can catch it a free shuttle from LAX to the bus station and from the bus station you can catch a bus anywhere in Los Angeles for two dollars and I said that sound like a deal to me I want a house right I'm setting for house house the three hundred thousand to a half a million in Los Angeles and I don't want to live in a hood I like wearing blue so thanks for getting at so I get on the shuttle and the shuttle dropped me off at the bus stop and it's a lady standing there at the bus stop and I think she's been through some things she she she had a pass cuz I just asked her a simple question I said ma'am can you tell me if this bus that's coming goes through Leimert Park she said it would look like I work for Metro I knew better than to respond to that I just stepped to the side I settle my way for the real bus driver because she feels with the public every day and I i'ma talk to her five minutes later bus pull up she open her door to the bus I ask questions cuz I don't want to get dropped off in the wrong hood I heard about Inglewood up to no good born and raised in Compton a stomping in Compton they had the m13 the look-look gangs and stuff I'm nonviolent like dr. Martin Luther King I don't want no problems brah a lot of people think because I'm black I fit in in the hood now I wear sweaters like this okay I'm peaceful like I carry books and everything and I love to read I do so I asked the bus driver said ma'am can you tell me if this bus goes through the murder part she said what the fine faith I said ma'am I just read the sign and the sign didn't say whether or not this bus goes through Liberty Park and I asked the lady standing over there and she don't work for Metro so can you please tell me if this bus goes through the murk Park she said this bus do the same thing in the forty to do I said ma'am I'm not from here she said I could tell you by your accent I said does this bus go through the murder part she said yeah I said thank you bless you but I didn't mean it I didn't i sat down in my seat and she got to the next stop and that's when my mind just went to a whole nother level the next Ghatak this guy was in the wheelchair bruh he couldn't walk she opened her door to the bus he had to ask her to press the button so she can let the lift down on the bus so he can get his wheelchair on there and for those of you who never rode the bus before they have holes in the Florida bus so if you're in a wheelchair you can strap the wheelchair in the hole so the wheelchair doesn't roll around he get the wheelchair on the bus the lady horse so dirty she hit the gas yeah he on the bus rolling around to grab him keep him from falling over now he had the same look on his face that I had on mine like is this what the 42 do we get to the next stop is the guy he was a young man he looked like the dude from the adverts commercial right he's like he's you know the commercials I'm talking about right either he's looking in the camera you sitting at home you're not doing anything with your life God let's go he looked just like that dude he didn't put his foot down the bus driver said uh-uh not today you ain't not on this bus he said what's the problem you can't drink that on this bus he had at all camp Rockstar Energy Drink she said you can't drink that on this bus he says what's the problem then sign right there no eating no drinking no drinking he won't throw it away so we can leave he said I'm drinking this you know how much this stuff cause she said oh so drink it so we can leave and she turned the bus off and took the key out the ignition he's standing there cracked the can't open starts sitting real slow he took his time till he read the ingredients on the back of the can you woulda thought we were at a family picnic here oh man I wanna go home he finished he can't do it out on the curb reached his hand in his pocket put his money in the fare box and as he walked away he mumbles something she said your mama and he turned around sleek whatever and I was like these she just said his mother and she's at work I start looking around for cameras I was like am I being Punk'd why is Ashton okay he sat down I was like this lady is crazy and then when we got to the next stop that's when I got excited we were coming up on a old black woman about 500 feet down the road and that's when I knew it was about to go down okay I'm gonna tell you how some about old black women they don't play that stuff this lady had a cup in her hand and I knew it was about to go down cuz if he couldn't drink his drink she can't drink her drink the closer we got the more excited I got I said oh my god I reached my cell phone I said I'm bout to put this on the Internet worldstar you to the old man start nudging me with this sharp elbow you know watch this young man he starts doing stuff that wasn't even in his mouth oh I was moving the closer we got the more excited I got the cup got bigger and bigger and looking exaggerated it look like she was drinking out of a bathroom trash can okay she had to hold it with two hands like a baby with a sippy cup yeah the lady got on the bus when she pulled up and I said oh my god I want to record this and she dropped the lid to a cup and the bus driver looking straight ahead and she didn't even turn around I was like everyone's driving still didn't say anything she dropped the lid to the coffee cup and I picked it up I said here's the lead with a cup of coffee you not supposed to be drinking the bus driver was on to me she looked at me in a reflection in rear view mirror and she rolled her eyes at me so long I thought we were gonna get in the accident I thought she fell asleep she never said a word to this lady I was upset I was because the next thought was my stuff you know when something like that happen you wanna see have it unfold I gotta get off the bus and I'm invested you laughing cuz you know what I'm told you saw some stuff go down you like I can't leave right now cuz I want to see this child get a whoopin in the store I wanna see this argument between this couple so i'ma hang out and I had to get off the bus I caught my favorite person I called my mother that's my favorite person on the planet I love your mama I called my mom and you know in the middle of my story my mother said you need to go to church I said my mind do not the whole time she said I see it and when a black woman says I see it you got to do what she said to do I don't normally go to church I'm on the road a lot the only church I like going to imma be honest with you I love Church's Chicken they got those two-piece dinners they delicious that's not a stereotype they got some deals man I went to church the next day because my mother told me to the church it was if I had it's about twice the size of this club but it was half the size of the club yeah it was about this new this big but it was triple the amount of people's a lot of people in there and it was a Baptist Church I know most of you are Mormons but it was Baptist in there that day for those you never been to a Baptist Church they get turned up okay you know what turned up is I can tell some of y'all listen little hip-hop they got turned up they start saying stuff that ain't man hallelujah wanna do it it's exciting it's scary at the same time and I'm nervous because the unsure said me next to somebody who looked real familiar it was the lady from the day before who was on the bus drinking the coffee and I was like this guy trying to tell me something drink more coffee stay awake and read the Bible but I can't concentrate the lady on the other side say that Amen hallelujah what'd he do I look up at the pulpit the bus driver is preaching the sermon a man as ever man a man all I was oh I was upset this lady has no business near a church she was just so dirty with me today before now she up there preaching I want to throw my Bible and I hit her with the word I did I was upset but I couldn't even get that up Snickers the lady on others say that I want to yell out some too so I said does this bus go to Lamar Park [Applause]