Nothing Is More Terrifying Than A Bat Tornado Video. Marty Simpson

Nothing is more terrifying than a bat tornado, unless maybe you're directly underneath the bat tornado.

Video Script:: 

my six-year-old son is a liar but we were blessed because he has a little mannerism that lets us catch him when I realize whenever my son lies he lies so slowly that it's obvious to my wall buddy this vase is broken have you been in here this whole time yes sir alone yes sir did you break it [Laughter] [Music] now I think it slow mannerisms gonna hurt him later in life and his marriage his wife is gonna come in with that new red dress she just bought like well how does this dress make me look and bolts me like skinny [Laughter] when my kids were four and seven years old they learned all the filthy language words from Travis and Michael next door and just all the dirty words man I know what to do like what do you do as a dad and your kids learn all the filthy language so I called my mother Oh like mom they learn all the foul language from Travis - Michael next door so so you're off the hook just thought she shouldn't know I just now my wife was like Marty we got to make our kids stop playing with Travis - Michael next door is Travis Mike I'm teaching all that foul language so you're so right bye Travis and Michael have a swimming pool so I went next door to talk to Travis uh Michael's dad and he immediately cussed me out Paul Travis um Michael downstairs custom out for custom my kids out and then the three of them together like they had rehearsed it cussed me out in unison it was a spiritual experience and then they told me and I'm gonna paraphrase what they said I'm gonna clean it up a little bit then I should go back home and mind my own business so I did and that'll be an important detail later in this story because we recently had like five or six hundred bats in our attic I don't know if y'all have bats out here in Utah but in South Carolina we have bats and I make like a little noise like a bat sounds got like a mouse like a pentecostal Mouse this is we're like five or six hundred bats in our attic so he called everyone and no one would do bats except for one guy not even a paid ad just one line and the white pages the bug man but we got lucky because it turns out bug man knew what he was doing and he was a certified lunatic bug man got to my house I went around to the back where they all were and leaned a 24 foot ladder against the back of the house and hit the gable vent up there in the top like where they all were inside their little lubricant a vent and one bull bat fell out of the nest and started crawling toward the ball and started crawling back up the wall right here and let me clarify we call them bull bats these are not vampire bats or fruit bats that are big and kind of sexy and they're like superheroes no these are tiny little two-inch grey furry human beings with wings and fangs and shoulder blades [Music] this bat is calling back up this wall just about right here and then bug man looks at me and looks up there and hears them all and is like Marty how many you're up there I was like I don't know bug man like five or six hundred and then bug man picked up a brick and then looked at that bat and looked at me and then bug man said well that's one you know feel Bradwell being licensed and bonded yeah I don't think Bugman was licensed and bonded I mean he was bonded recently and he starts to pump this mixture like this smell like a combination of like lemon juice and Clorox and murder then he saw the look on my face he was like Marty this stuff is totally safe for the environment chill out then he strapped down a gas mask threw this stuff over his shoulder and started up the ladder now half of the ladder was like hey Marty hold the ladder so this is me at the bottom holding the ladder immediately regretting holding this ladder because he squirts this acid bleach into the gable vent whereupon I hear this [Applause] evidently these bats were now upset and they started to pour on a side of my house like Niagara Falls of bat coming toward my fights and in a moment of clarity I remember that bats can see but they don't use their eyes they use echolocation and they send out a little signal that hits the thing and bounces off that thing and lets the bat know to dodge that thing and I wanted these 500 bats to know for sure that I was a thing so I'm at the bottom line [Applause] because here's the thing you can't play chicken with a blind bat they're not looking you can't just like I'm gonna go this way you go that know you just gotta stare this down and trust nature that's our wisdom by my face forming a tsunami of bat in my backyard into an attack position maja Nino was an attack position Marty cuz the leader bat told me well how do you know he was the leader bet cuz he was sitting right here bug man squirts into this vent until there's no more noise all the bats are out and it magically covers this thing up with an expandable screen and tacks it up there and then slides down this ladder like it's a fireman's pole into the middle of a tornado of 500 bats and he's just like wow we good Marty we could you said you had cash Bugman you can't be finished she's like Oh read that contract you sign I guaranteed at the start of two today that at the end of today there'd be no bass left inside your house Bugman what is gonna happen to all of these bats like Marty chill out about the bats they're gonna be fine probably go to that house right there that house with a swimming pool [Laughter] [Applause] feel it's like three months later Travis from Michael's dad is that his mailbox and I'm at my mailbox and he's like Marty I got like five or six hundred bats in my attic do you know anything about that and I was like nah man I just been at home minding my own business [Applause] [Music] [Applause] the minions right now Marty Marty seriously do you know anything about this do you even know who to call and I was like ah guess what tribe our comedy has their own app you can download right now and watch my entire special