When You Like People More Than Animals. John Deming

When you like people more than animals, making decisions becomes pretty clear, just ask John Deming.

Video Script:

I also have strong opinions about animals like I do not feel guilty killing flies all right I don't all right they have a one week lifespan which means that's a large percentage of their life that they are devoting to annoying a creature that could easily kill them that's like if I spent a whole year of my life just bugging a dragon hey hey dragon come on you're on though I'm on your leg that's a nice sandwich what if I said on it you deserve to die this time I'm also afraid of dogs see how quiet the room just got I know here's to hear me out the reason I'm afraid of dogs I've never seen a dog like fall asleep don't worry I'll explain it here's the thing imagine the scariest craziest person that you can imagine I can immobilize that person with a cell phone on a toilet in ten minutes they're gone they're out of commission a dog can sleep on all four of its legs and then just hop up ready to kill you again it's terrifying and if you're still not convinced I have one question for you where is Sarah McLachlan then if dogs aren't so scary what happened to her I'm pretty sure she's in the arms of the Angels is what happened to her I also have a lot of weird interactions with dog owners one time I heard a dog owners say I just want a boyfriend who's just like my job I was like well that's why you're alone looking for a hairy nudist with a chocolate allergy it's a very specific niche I don't think there's an app for that yet I don't know maybe I'm a people person maybe that's what I can leave you with tonight I love people not animals people I love them but it bothers me when people say that animals are better than people a lot of times I hear people say things like John humans are the only animals that are violent toward their own which here's a bear fact when a baby bear is born the mother has to kick the dad out of the den so he doesn't eat the cup that happened in any of your houses and thinks so think about it we have entire rap songs by artists like Eminem and Tupac about how hard and terrible their lives were just because their dad wasn't around but they got nothing on bears if comedy doesn't work out my career is gonna be the bear rap and that's what I'd like to end with tonight's imagine imagine if you will turning on the radio and you hear something like dad why don't you walk before drying berries instead of your son you're an omnivore Congrats bear what a beautiful baby then my dad took me home he tried to filet me sautee me he was vicious he tried to tell me of the dishes mom had to take him away against my wishes because I was in danger every time he gave me kisses cuz I knew he was thinking my son you're looking delicious [Applause] amazing be on the lookout for my album I'm gonna go by the name cardi bear the album is dropping soon thank you guys so much you've been a wonderful crowd hey did you know Drybar has their own app download it right now to watch my whole special