Garry Shandling Stand-Up Appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson - 04/28/1983

Garry Shandling Stand-Up Appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson - 04/28/1983 #johnnycarson #garryshandling #thetonightshow

Video Script:: 

the guy's amazing forgot to mention the docs gonna be appearing with the Denver Symphony Orchestra at bhature concert hall I believe it is butchered in Denver Colorado tomorrow and Saturday and on Sunday he'll be performing with the group zevran at the Fox Theater in Billings Montana so I have a good have a good weekend now here is a very funny young man Gary's been with us before and he's at horizon Atlantic City opening May the six and he starts to tour with Donna Summer and Toronto June 13th which ends up here in Los Angeles to the Universal amphitheater the July 28th would you welcome back Garry Shandling that's very nice have you seen me before those of you how many have seen me before how many how many have never seen me before this is a happier group it sounds like I well I'm happy to be here I just drove in from my new house in Woodland Hills and well thank you very much I have a new house and I have ants in my house I have have you ever looked very closely at a trail of ants have you ever looked it looks like a little freeway have you noticed this they're cutting each other off and they're going by each other and if you step on one they all slow down to look and mess up the whole line we're gonna keep it moving there's garbage up there oh that's a bad one that's a bad one what you're talking about age I earned 30 and well I'm kind of depressed about it because it was three years ago and I graduated in 1967 from high school few people from 67 your eyes kids now on their senior trips going to the Bahamas I mean we went to Vietnam on our senior trip if they get in the truck smell as I said we're going somewhere high school is so weird how come all shop teachers are missing one finger does anybody every one of them are they born like that do they go mrs. Johnson you've given birth to a shop teacher and there's a baby with a finger missing and keys hanging on his diaper did anybody dig for China when they were kids our parents said if you dig all the way through the earth you come out in China and then they wonder why we're messed up am i right did anybody we had one kid on our block was down about ten feet digging for China I used the sneak in late at night and throw egg rolls in the hole you know he thought he was getting close only a few more feet then I'm hitting something down here my dad my dad just got back from a trip to China this is true and he said the Chinese food is so much better there than it is here he said in particular the number three was really my dad is so funny what you know my dad my dad he well he would not mow the lawn with a hand lawyer he had a tractor that you sit on we had 12 square feet of grass my dad thinks it's on a farm you know he's going to tarmaced season son you know yeah then he shot the dog next door cuz you said he was grazing on our land and my mother my mother is like she would come in when I was sick from school with a cold did your mother just come in with the vaporizer do you remember this thing it steams up your room and you the humidity goes up to like 200% in your book and you wake up in the morning there's rubber tree plants growing on there's like parrots and Johnny Weissmuller is sitting on the end and your cold is gone and you got malaria yeah well thanks mom I they live my parents are from Tucson Arizona they live in Tucson Arizona and some other people from my parents and they call them long-distance and they each get on an extension phone and talk to each other I hung up and called back the line was busy now let's see what sex education in high school was just the dumbest I mean they showed us these films on social disease which just scared the hell I need you remember we had one girl in our class passed out because she recognized one of the guys [Applause] they're just actors Betty I I just broke up with my girlfriend because I lied to impress her have you guys ever done this and then it always comes back at you geez when that Space Shuttle landed and I wasn't on it [Laughter] and she was out there going you're sure there's no one else coming on he said he was flying the god darn thing she thought I was weird cuz I make love with my eyes open is that weird I I do it cuz I don't trust women no because a lot of times I'll be making love to them you know and they leave and I want to know it when that happens I so here I am I'm single I'm 33 and my looks changes I get older have you gone through that particularly in the morning you look horrible have you woken up yet and looked like your driver's license picture that's a scary thing when you go this really isn't such a bad shot really something happens from the time you go to sleep til the time you wake up this is this true it's like God comes in and says we're just gonna mess you up for the morning have you guys ever gone to bed with a woman and you wake up and she looks like Ed Sullivan and you're going I gotta get out of here you know and she's going come on back here Gary take it off your folks are here tonight I understand my folks are up there in the audience very nice yeah yeah I have wonderful parents my mother's worried that I'm still single my mother said to me Gary you know yeah it goes with your territory you don't want it he said you don't want to die old and alone you know I don't know if I'm gonna feel better when I'm dying to the doctor and go she's with me just something you can handle by yourself I don't want to go stag actually doc killer would you please we got to take a break we're coming back [Applause]